


Dreams don't come so easily

by DidiNyx



Category: Renegades - Marissa Meyer
Genre: Alternate Canon, Anarchy, Angst, Developing Relationship, Dystopia, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Friendship/Love, Gun trigger warning, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Discovery, Self-Reflection, Short, Suicide Attempt, Superheroes, adrian is precious, confusing if you dont know the story, rushed on purpose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 10:18:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14518338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DidiNyx/pseuds/DidiNyx
Summary: Nova Artino, Nova McLain, Nightmare, Insomnia... Whatever you called her, she still didn't belong. She wasn't a hero but she betrayed her own Anarchist family. It was disgusting, thinking she could win. Why was she so blind? The world's always been broken. She can't change that. She's afraid to dream, to hope... Pull the trigger, Nova.((This is my first work in the "Renegades" fandom. It's an alternative look inside Nova's brain as she struggles with self-identity. Trigger warning for suicide attempt and reference to guns. Don't worry, the ending is pretty hopeful <3))





	Dreams don't come so easily

**Author's Note:**

> unedited version because i'm impatient ok

The sun’s glare was almost unbearable, outlining the long stretch of city and wasteland that covered all in which Nova could see. Somehow, she’d found herself on the rooftop of the Renegade Headquarters, basking under the sun as if she was truly a superhero- in spite of her true intentions and the fact that the very place she now worked for was the very organization she had hated all her life.

Correction, _still_ hated, she reminded herself. She was no Renegade. She was still an Anarchist- an outcast at the very least. She was still bitter, still desiring revenge for the empty lies the power-hungry quote on quote “saviors” told in their endless ballads of glory. They were the greatest force left in their dystopian world whose destiny was to restore humanity and to abolish the chaos the Age of Anarchy had inflicted once the rise of the prodigies- and the fall of the norm, everyone else- even though they didn’t save everyone. _Couldn’t_ save everyone. Lied, threatened her fellow Anarchists.

They couldn’t save her family.

Nova couldn’t save them.

The sun reminded Nova of the Renegades. So eager to shed light. But oh, they had made everyone blind. _They_ are blind.

Nova blinked away the spots in her eyes and finally stared down at the pavement beneath her feet. Just a few weeks ago she’d been living in alleys and sewers. Now the world could freely see her, out in the open, believing she was one of them.

Nova’s lips curled in disgust. _One of them_ . She’d never be as foolish as them. She may wear their uniform ( _Oh, that bright red R on her chest was taunting_ ) and sleep in the same dorms, but she wasn’t Nova McLain or Insomnia. No, she wasn’t even Nova Artino- the Artinos are gone, she had left that name once she grew up, once Ace took her in…

She was Nightmare. And she was going to have her vengeance…

This city. This was hers, this was Ingrid’s and Phobia’s and Leroy’s and hell, even Honey Bee’s… but it also belonged to Maxx, Ruby, Oscar, Adrian…

_Adrian._

Nova shivered. She was so stupid to have hope for them. Hope that she maybe had a family, hope that she was doing the right thing, hope that maybe Adrian did care about her, hope that she knew how to win this fight…

The fight no longer was Anarchists versus Renegades. Not even Nova versus the whole damn world. No, this was Nova versus Nova… Nova versus Nightmare, versus _Insomnia_. Who was she?

Damn, she thought she knew.

 _Hopeless._ Nova thought suddenly. _I wish it wasn’t so hopeless._

There was something more than revenge, she’d come to find out. More than hate, more than poverty. Even more than the simple wish to be the last person alone, with nothing but the stars to keep her company because _hell, the stars couldn’t hurt her._ The world did. The world wanted her dead. She wanted herself dead…

Nova squeezed her arms, nails cutting her skin. No. She wanted peace. No war. No fighting. No running.

Home was scary, she never had a true home, even when Ace took her in and made her an Anarchist. Home was what Adrian reminded her of, and it was terrifying how much she secretly longed for it.

_No, no, no. You can’t have a home. Because then they’ll all know your dirty little secret. You are not a hero, you tried to kill every single of them and you know it. Tell them the truth. You care nothing for them. You can’t be an Anarchist either, because you have betrayed them, the ones that took you in. You are living your own nightmare._

_Nightmare…_

Maybe she was better off dead. Maybe this was the fate of all Artinos. All of it would be over, the lying, the hiding, the longing…

All of it.

 _Pull the trigger, Nova._ She had urged herself. _A life for a life…. He killed Evie, too. Pull the trigger, Nova._

 _Pull the trigger, Nova._ She had wished ten years later. _Kill the most powerful Renegade._

_Pull the trigger, Nova. Save yourself while you can. The world will always be broken, you can’t change that._

The world taunted.

Nova grabbed her belt which held all her weapons. _No, Nightmare’s weapons._

Maybe she could pretend it was a dream.

_Dream, dream, dream…_

She no longer slept. At all. It is her ability, what made her a prodigy. She only had nightmares. She forgot how to dream.

Her hand stroked the trigger.

Nova.

She paused. No, it was nothing. Just the wind...

_Nova!_

No, it can't be. It's your mind playing tricks. Your last sense of life before you leave.

She inhaled and exhaled, closer to the edge of the tower. The irony, dying over this shitty promise of hope. On the Renegade tower... But she was going to die anyway, so maybe it didn't matter. They'd feel guilty that they couldn't save her. _Again_ , though they didn't know that. They'd never know that she was Nova Artino, a villain, merely a cover-up for their demise...

"Nova!"

Adrian's cry. Adrian's desperate, honest-to-God cry for mercy... Begging her for mercy, to stay with him. Honestly, she couldn't make it all out. Her head was a hurricane of shock, panic, and bitterness. Why, _why_ would he want her to stay? Can't he see this whole alias situation is killing her?

No. She was Nightmare. She had to hide...

If he knew the truth, would he still love her?

Nova fiddled with the trigger. Eyes blurry, she was knocked to the ground, head hitting the hard pavement. She let out a loud yelp, followed by a scream. Her first instinct was an overwhelming rage and realization that she had to kick and kill the intruder herself, but no, she remembers. It's Adrian. Only Adrian. Sensitive, caring, lovely, talented, forgiving Adrian...

So damn oblivious.

Her breath is ragged, she can't think straight, and _God_ , she thinks she's dying. Heart going wild, she thinks maybe she'd pass out and this time never wake up. Her own ability couldn't save her, and damn, the irony gets worse and worse.

Ability...

Wait. She could make it.

She ignored Adrian's cries and rushed attempt at promises of hope and grabs for his arm- _Any_ exposure to skin she could touch. If she could concentrate, he'd pass out and she'd be left to finish the work her own family's oppressor had faced, all those years ago...

She grabbed his wrist. At this point, Adrian was sobbing. Begging her not to die, begging her not to kill him, too. So overdramatic, he won't die, no, he'd just fall asleep... He can live without Nova...

_Without Nova._

She doesn't know why but she stops. She lets go of Adrian. She breathes in. She exhales. She yanks off her belt and throws it off the tower. Adrian is still over her, helping her up, cursing to all that is holy and _hugging her_. 

"N-Nova," he manages. "I'm so sorry, I- I had no idea- Please, you need to stay... I-" He sobs. 

Nova has never seen him cry before.

He's never seen her cry, and yet then she does.

Guilt. Anger. Hope... she felt it all. 

Adrian, the sun in her darkness.

"Nightmare."

Nova's confused. "What-?"

"You're Nightmare. The gun... you held Night-"

Nova didn't want to hear the rest. She scrambled out of Adrian's arms, knowing how this will end. Exposed, powerless, no family, no home, no longer a Renegade, no hope at all for her or-

Adrian kisses her. 

Not the reaction she was looking for.

A gentle, short kiss on the forehead. Like Nova didn't just betray him and admit that all she had ever done for him and his community was a lie. Like she didn't just try to kill them both... Like she was still a hero.

Adrian was the hero. He deserved better.

"Adrian, I-"

"I don't care."

Nova winced. Expecting her demise. The end, she'd be in prison-

"-I still love you."

This time she did hug back. And sobbed, and clung to him like they were both dying on Renegade Tower, like the world was ending for good and the whole universe depended on it. She knew now. After all her trying not to get close, she fell. She loved Adrian, she loved home. She just wanted to have a home, to finally dream again...

"I know, shh, I know."

Shit. She had said it out loud.

"How?" she demanded, still choking on sobs. " _How_? I hate the Renegades, I've always fucking hated it, wanted this city to burn to the ground and in hell for all it has caused me, lied and took advantage of you, _fuck_ , Adrian- I can't do anything right, I-"

"No. You are Nova, Nova McLain-"

"Artino. I'm... Artino."

Adrian's eyes widened. He knew. He took a deep breath. "Nova Artino, I don't know what you've been through. Not the full story, anyway. You have reason to have hate and paranoia haunt you. Trust me, I know how that feels." He holds her hand. So gentle... Nova was breathless as he continued: "I know it all feel useless. I myself wake up thinking it's all going to end, and that there seems to be no use. Everything is still chaos. But we're all trying to make the most of it. That includes you, too. You're valid, I swear. Yes, you fucked up, but hell, I have my secrets too."

Nova gapes. He... how?

Adrian smiles, and it's blinding. His dark eyes are understanding. "We'll figure it out. I promise. You're not alone anymore. I'm here. You have a family now, I promise. We can learn to dream again. Together."

Nova knew her happy ending still had a long way to go. But somehow... she trusted him. She had to live to see _all_ of humanity win. She wants to dream... 

Dream, dream, dream.

Nova smiled. For once, it felt like a dream.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm actually proud of this ^-^ I highly recommend the book!! It seems kind of cliche at first but I promise you it gets better <3 The symbolism, action, mysterious plot, self-discovery, drama... Ah. I just love it. Haven't even read all of it, but here's my take.


End file.
